Archive | October, 2013

Jumping or not jumping?

25 Oct


Have you ever wondered what your life purpose is? Have you ever looked at the mirror and asked yourself: “Why are you here? What are you meant to do?”

For many years, I thought that our main purpose in life is to keep it going: have children, develop our potentials, always do the best we can without hurting anybody etc. I guess this general all-encompassing aim was good enough. Having MS pushed me to slowly re-assess this vision.  Would I be ready to have children knowing I might not be able to look after them or that they might also get MS? Is doing one’s best always good? What about security?

My parents never cared whether you got an A or a C at school as long as you did your best.  But if you got a A and they thought you could have got an A+, they were disappointed. I started to enjoy going as far as I could.  People sometimes think I am competitive but the truth is I just want to find out how far I can go.

I was told that, to live well with MS, I need to spend only 70 or 80% of my energy and to keep the rest for recuperating.  Gosh, this has been the hardest part of having MS so far and I still fall into the trap. In the first phase after diagnosis,  I still wanted to do my best but my leitmotiv was “security”. I searched for job / financial security because I thought that was the best way to ensure independence. At least, if you have financial security you can have an apartment that is fully equipped no matter what disability you suffer from. You can have a special car. You can afford whatever is available to make living with a disability easier.

I nearly made it.  I finished my PhD, got a permanent job with an educational publisher… for a few months and then it went bankrupt.  I became self-employed. Back to insecurity!

Anyway, isn’t “security” just an illusion? Nobody can ever be secure. Nothing is secure. Do I sound like I am trying to console myself? Maybe I am but I am also trying to motivate myself to take a jump, leave the publishing world behind and fully immerse into yoga therapy. If nothing is secure, why not dedicate my entire time to something I believe in and that make sense? And do my best, unconditionally, whole-heartedly. Nothing more, nothing less.

PS: I am now working on a website:
The logo was designed by my friend Blanca. Isn’t it great? I know the photo of my dog doesn’t belong there but she’s so cute…

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